Pies, bridies, and manspreading: the state of Scottish football

This time last week I was in Scotland watching Dundee United play UNA Strassen of Luxembourg in the second qualifying round of the UEFA Conference League.

In United’s heyday – from the late Seventies to the early Nineties – the club qualified for Europe 14 years in a row. In 1984, having won the Scottish league title for the first and only time in their history, they even reached the semi-finals of the European Cup and would have played Liverpool in the final had they not lost 3-2 on aggregate to Roma.

Three years later United did reach a European final, losing 2-1 on aggregate to Gothenburg of Sweden in the UEFA Cup. Sadly, those times will never be repeated and United fans are grateful for any European experience, even the qualifying rounds of the third tier of European competition.

Last week’s match (the first leg) was won 1-0 by United but I didn’t enjoy it very much. The game was OK but in front of me was a small army of young children – eight or nine-year-olds – who couldn’t sit still and spent most of the match jumping on and off their seats, or standing on them for a better view and thereby blocking mine.

Their parents weren’t in the least bit bothered and I didn’t like to say anything because we need a new generation of supporters and they seemed to be enjoying themselves, albeit not always with an eye on the football.

In addition there was a constant stream of people edging past me – while the game was in progress – to collect their pre-paid pies and bridies from one of the food kiosks under the main stand. (You can do it via an app, apparently.)

The final straw however was the middle-aged guy sitting next to me who insisted on manspreading, even when it was obvious I was a bit uncomfortable. Every attempt I made to move my leg away from his proved futile because he simply moved his legs wider still.

At one point I caught his eye and said “Mate!” in a mildly reproving tone in the faint hope he would get the message and move his leg away, but it made no difference. And beyond that, what can you do without causing a scene and creating a tense atmosphere?

Anyway, prior to the game I overheard an English voice speaking to an older Dundonian outside the ground. The former was a postman and self-confessed “groundhopper”. As the name suggests, a groundhopper is someone who visits – usually as a neutral – as many football grounds as possible.

If I heard him correctly, he had visited more than 50 grounds in England, including non-league, and was now adding Scottish grounds to his list. In fact, following the game at Tannadice, he was heading north to watch Aberdeen play Ipswich in a friendly at Pittodrie the following night.

But back to United. The second leg of the qualifying tie against UNA Strassen takes place in Luxembourg this evening (kick off 6.00pm). If United lose it will be embarrassing but not a shock because from what I witnessed last week the team from Luxembourg was arguably more skilful, and most of their players could hold their own physically too, so I wouldn’t care to call the result.

Either way, I wouldn’t be unhappy if United are knocked out because the last time they qualified for Europe, three years ago, they beat the Dutch club AZ Alkmaar 1-0 at home, then lost the second leg 7-0. A few weeks later they lost 9-0 to Celtic, the manager was sacked (after only ten weeks), and the club went on to get relegated.

Funnily enough, I knew United’s glory days were over when, in 1990, they were beaten 4-0 at home by another Dutch club, Vitesse Arnhem, in the second round of the UEFA Cup. Having previously beaten the likes of Barcelona (home and away), Borussia Mönchengladbach, PSV Eindhoven, Werder Bremen, and Rapid Vienna, it was sad way for a remarkable era to end.

That was 34 years ago. Since then, on the handful of occasions United have qualified for Europe, they have never got past the first round nor, since 1997, the qualifying rounds. Meanwhile, for the first time in their 116-year history, United played last week’s match without a single Scottish player in the starting line-up.

Compare that with the all Scottish squad of players that won the league in 1983. If that doesn’t say something about the current state of Scottish football today I don’t know what does.